Not Used To Crying
by Yemam2422
Summary: DL. Post ‘Child’s Play’ One Shot. Picks up where the episode ended.


Danny hated crying. Even more than that, he hated crying in front of people. He knew he was an emotional person and was accustomed to experiencing happiness, sadness, and anger in extreme ways. But he absolutely hated the loss of control that pure sadness brought in the form of crying. In Danny's opinion it was even worse to have this loss of control happen in front of someone. Louie in the hospital, Ruben's death – they had both made him cry in front of Mac. He wished that hadn't happened but he couldn't stop himself.

But Danny absolutely refused to cry in front of Lindsay. He knew it was old-fashioned and maybe a little chauvinistic or macho but he didn't care. He was the guy and he was supposed to be strong. So when he saw her coming into autopsy he threw his hands up in a silent gesture that it wasn't a good time to talk and walked away before she saw the telltale tears in his eyes. But she'd come after him.

_She finally found him in the locker __room,__ his body slumped on a bench, his face resting in his hands. He didn't turn to her or acknowledge her because he needed all of his attention __focused on not crying_

_"I'm so sorry Danny," Her voice was a low whisper. She sat next to him on the bench and rested a hand on his shoulder. _

_Danny remained silent, knowing his voice would crack if he attempted to say anything. __Lindsay could see Danny fighting his emotions, trying to be strong. For her or him or both of them – she wasn't sure. _

_"It's okay to cry Danny." _

_"No. Crying never fixed anything. It won't bring Ruben back…" Danny stopped and gulped before he lost his battle with the knot in his throat. _

_"__It__ might make you feel better." _

_"I don't want to feel better," Danny said defiantly. To start feeling better would mean accepting Ruben's death. __Danny was__ no__where near acceptance. He deserved years of guilt and contrition before he deserved to feel better. _

_Lindsay didn't know how to respond to that. She felt helpless and horrible not being able to make__ things better for__ Danny__. He __broke their silence before she __could think __of the right thing to say. "You know what I can't figure out? What I can't get past? It's why? Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen? Why?" _

_Lindsay had no answers__At least none that he would accept.__But she did know one thing for certain and she wanted Danny to hear it. __"T__his is not your fault. You cannot blame yourself." _

_Danny__felt smothered by __sorrow, weighed down by guilt. __Emotional __pain overwhelmed__ him, as it had since he saw Ruben being wheeled through the autopsy room. __His vibrant yellow shirt __creating a__ disturbing contrast against his __small __pale lifeless body. _

_"I just__…__ need to go, okay? I'm just going to go." __Danny__ felt himself suffocating and needed space. Lindsay could understand that. _

_With that, he walke__d out of the locker room and __hadn't seen Lindsay since. _

Water was streaming down his face now but it wasn't from tears. On his walk home from the church the sky released a torrential downpour that Danny had been totally unprepared for. He was soaking wet and freezing cold and the rain stung against his skin. But he didn't take cover because it actually felt good – like the earth was somehow sharing in his misery and weeping for him. Or maybe the pelting raindrops were punishment not walking Ruben home. Either way he took comfort from the driving rain and dark empty streets which seemed to tilt and sway as his muddled mind attempted to make sense of an innocent boy's death and the part he played in it.

He just kept walking, aimlessly he had thought, until he found himself in front of Lindsay's apartment building. Danny wasn't sure how long he stood there but at some point he groggily realized that someone was approaching him. He felt so numb – his skin, his mind – and his glasses were smeared with rain but he managed to focus on the figure long enough to recognize Lindsay. An annoying buzzing sound also made its way into his senses and he realized all of his weight was being supported by his one finger pushing Lindsay's buzzer, which he'd pressed and never released.

"Danny, what are you doing? Are you okay?" Lindsay asked. She had come downstairs expecting to find drunken teenagers playing pranks with her buzzer. Danny was the last person she thought she'd find. After their conversation in the locker room at work she knew that Danny needed his space. She could understand that. For the rest of the day she attempted to act normally and do her job. She even managed to find humor in her and Flack's' shared memories of Laughing Larry's gags. But thoughts of Danny had remained heavy in her mind and heart.

Lindsay grasped Danny's arms and did a cursory visual examination of his body as if checking for injuries. He was wearing the same brown shirt and jeans he had been in earlier that day. Everything was sopping wet and his boots were a little muddy. He looked exhausted and was swaying a little bit. Lindsay wondered if he was drunk. She couldn't blame him for having one drink too many on a day like today.

"I went for a walk…" Danny said but couldn't manage to finish. His voice sounded funny to him and he wasn't sure if he was shouting or whispering. He didn't know what he was doing.

"You're soaking wet. Come upstairs," she said, as she led him through the doorway and to her apartment.

Danny was about to protest, to tell her that he didn't mean to bother her, but the instant one of her arms circled his waist in support he sagged against her and soaked in the relief he felt from her presence. His arm went around her shoulders, practically clutched her, grateful to have something to lean on.

They made their way up the few flights of stairs holding onto each other like this, in silence. When they finally entered her apartment Lindsay turned and looked at Danny. His clothes were plastered to his body and the t-shirt and shorts she'd been sleeping in were also now damp.

Danny welcomed the warmth of Lindsay's apartment that immediately enveloped him but it wasn't enough. He was so cold he could barely feel Lindsay's touch as she peeled off his jacket.

"I'm all right. Just cold." His teeth chattered slightly as he spoke. Some of the rain had apparently made its way inside his skull because his mind was swimming and he couldn't seem to focus on anything. Suddenly his knees threatened to buckle and he swayed against Lindsay.

Grabbing him, Lindsay did her best to keep him from falling. "Danny, are you okay?" There was despair in her voice. She'd never seen Danny like this and she almost panicked about what to do.

Danny wrapped his arms around her, pulling her fully against him, because that seemed to be the only thing that made the world settle around him. Her body heat asserted itself through his clammy clothes. Her cheek rested on his chest. He was cold to the touch but his muscles were reassuringly firm and strong. She could hear his steady heartbeat through his shirt and that calmed Lindsay.

The warmth generated by their contact couldn't stop Danny from shivering and Lindsay knew Danny had to get out of his clothes. She reluctantly pulled away and grabbed his hand to lead him into her white-tiled bathroom. The sneakers Lindsay had thrown on squeaked against the floor as she walked and Danny realized she was also cold and wet at this point. Lindsay held onto him as she turned on the taps of the shower.

"I'm okay," Danny said again, trying to reassure himself more than Lindsay.

"We need to get you out of these clothes and warm you up," Lindsay insisted.

Steam from the shower quickly filled the small bathroom and clouded the glass. The promise of the hot water only inches way tempted Danny.

Lindsay dipped a hand beneath the shower spray to check the temperature. Satisfied, she started undressing Danny. She struggled – a combination of cold stiff clothes and a practically immobile Danny. She took hold of the dripping edge of his shirt and lifted it over his head letting it fall with a thud. She dragged his jeans down and after fighting with his shoes all his clothes finally ended up a wet heap on the floor.

Placing his glasses on the counter, she gently pushed Danny into the shower. She was going to let him be on his own but Danny grabbed her arm and pulled her, fully-clothed, into the shower with him. Danny wanted her with him for just a moment or two longer. He wanted the comfort of physical contact. He wanted to hear the slow rhythm of her breath.

Lindsay gasped at the unexpected action and hot water cascading over both of them. Lindsay blinked away the spatter of water that hit her eyes and looked at up Danny, his normally crystal blue eyes slightly muddy. Instinctively, she ran her hands over his face, her fingertips lightly brushing over his cheekbones, around his mouth and jaw until finally resting on his shoulders.

The sound of the shower reminded Danny of the rain outside. Only this onslaught of water was hot and welcome - like Lindsay's touch. Danny felt his senses, seemingly frozen by the shock of Ruben's death, begin to thaw. He could now feel and enjoy Lindsay's body plastered against his. Danny found himself a little breathless as he imagined her hands in other places, busy with other things. Danny lifted the hem of her shirt and removed it with no resistance from Lindsay. He disposed of her shorts with equal agility.

Lindsay's senses reeled. Her body tingled as their wet bodies pressed and rubbed against each other. Lindsay did her best to ignore these sensations and focus on Danny, make sure he was okay.

Danny, however, was making this almost impossible as his hands closed over her hips and he deliberately moved his thighs against hers. He was looking down at Lindsay, his gaze moving from her eyes to her mouth. Her lips parted in response to his smoldering look. The atmosphere in the small shower suddenly became supercharged with emotions and attraction and so much more that Lindsay wouldn't have been surprised if she or Danny or the whole room spontaneously combusted.

Knowing that rest was really the best thing for the both of them, Lindsay reached around Danny and shut off the water. She led them out of the shower and immediately regretted the loss of heat. Danny closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the reality of why he had come to Lindsay's apartment and ended up in her shower crept back into him along with the cool air. He felt Lindsay let go of him but before he could protest she was back and wrapping his waist and shoulders with towels. She had already wrapped herself in one.

"Come on," Lindsay said as she maneuvered them around the islands of wet clothes discarded earlier and into her bedroom. She set Danny on the edge of her bed and began burrowing in her closet. Danny noticed her covers had been thrown aside and felt badly that he'd obviously disrupted her sleep. Danny felt drained, almost drowsy, in the aftermath of so much unspoken emotion. Lindsay handed him a t-shirt and sweat pants that he recognized as his own, left over from his many nights spent at her apartment.

"Let's go to sleep," Lindsay whispered in his ear as she crawled beside him onto the bed and under the covers. Finally feeling warm and sane, Danny pulled Lindsay close against him and drifted to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Danny slowly awoke, stretching and turning over without opening his eyes. Instantly, he felt anxious – he remembered sitting in church, then walking home but ending up at Lindsay's apartment. Reality came crashing down on him and the now familiar sorrow settled back into his chest. Ruben was dead. Danny would never play catch with him again, or see him running around the hallways ignoring warnings from his mother to slow down. And it was all his fault.

Danny lay in bed for a moment selfishly wishing he could go back to sleep and deal with reality just a little bit later. Getting up and facing the world required too much effort. It was just too much for him and he wasn't sure how he would get over this.

Lindsay leaned against her bedroom doorway, watching Danny slowly wake up. She'd waken hours ago, worry about Danny keeping sleep at a distance. Their relationship had morphed somehow, overnight. Danny was always the one to support her, had flown across the country to show that support. All without asking for a thing in return. Now it was her turn to be the rock. She'd been honest when she'd said she wasn't good at this sort of thing but she was determined to be there for him. Whatever that meant, whenever that would be. The question was could she do it without falling, without making the situation worse? She knew how horrible he must be feeling. She understood his guilt. But she also knew, from experience, that he could move, could function, could survive. Just one breath at a time, one step at a time.

As if hearing her thoughts Danny opened his eyes and turned towards Lindsay. Sunlight filtered in through the curtained windows. It had stopped raining and from the brightness of sunlight Danny had apparently slept a long time.

For a moment Lindsay hesitated and remained at the doorway silently staring at Danny. Then, following her own advice, she took a breath and a step until she reached the bed.

"Good morning," Lindsay said, as she lay next to Danny. "How are you feeling?"

"Better…good." Danny wasn't sure how to answer that question. He felt a little vulnerable and still sad. But he wasn't lying when he said he felt better. "What time is it?"

"Almost noon. You hungry?"

"A little."

"I'll go make us something to eat, okay?"

Danny grabbed Lindsay's arm to stop her from getting off the bed.

"Lindsay…" Danny paused, unsure of what exactly he was trying to say, how to express that he knew she would be the reason he got through this. "Thank you."

They stared at each other as a stillness settled over them. Each was aware of the other's breath and heartbeats, of the pressure of his hand on her arms. Lindsay finally broke the spell.

"Just put one foot in front of the other until you walk out of the darkness. It will happen." She gave him a kiss on the lips, stood up and held her hand out to him.

Danny took her hand. It was small and soft but still strong. He was grateful for Lindsay's kindness and strength and for her sheer physical presence that had offered him refuge. She'd been the strong one this time and she had more strength to spare, more strength than she probably even realized she possessed in her tiny frame. Danny smiled.His day no longer seeming so dreadful, as he followed her into the kitchen.

* * *

**A/N**: Thanks for reading and I have to sing the praises of **mel60** who beta'd this! Happy New Year everybody! 


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